two knits of ivory

Decadence was, for me, yesterday, sleeping in a beach chair in the shade and privacy of my back yard. I have a memory as old as dirt. It was from my toddler years, when I lived, briefly, in rural NY. There is such a warm happy feeling associated with this vague memory. I am lain out in the sunny, grassy, back yard in a sandwich of cotton quilts. And there was an egg salad sandwich somewhere in there too, but the connection between the two is hazy. It is the sheer ability to relax and sleep during the day of which I am in awe. To exist. To be therefore you are. Not to be an object in motion, beholden to some chore or responsibility. That is what my mind thinks is bliss. With Mrs. Norris running the main game, it's no wonder this is what I dream of. I am pretty ignorant of what most folks dream of. Is it fancy clothes, fancy cars, trips to Europe, being famous? Me, I just want the luxury to relax and sleep in the warmth of the outdoor air - preferably in the shade.

When I was a young'un I was entranced by multiple personality disorders. Where most children spend their time learning gender and societal normative behaviors, I was drawn to all that was non-normative. Now that I've come to see my past and present through the prism of post-trauma, I am realizing that multiple personalities are the sign of a healthy mind, not just a mental illness caused by abuse, as immortalized in popular culture by the books and movies about Sybil and Eve . I think I shall call my inner berator Mrs. Norris, after Jane's uber-bossy, illiberal, and admirably indefatigable Mansfield Park character. She thinks she knows what is best for me and up until this year, I've ceded to her all too often. When Mrs. Norris says "Complete this knitting project; you started it - now finish it." I have the good sense to question her admonition. No longer do I obey, meekly and miserably, or rebel, just as miserably. Case in point, I began a new s...