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So you really wanna know?

I'm back dating this post and dating all of the entries. It's my version of 100 things about me.

May 20, 2010
1) When I used to read blogs I LOVED.LOVED.LOVED reading the 100 things about me. I'm a nosy bitch, so I scarf up any personal detail I can.

2) I am presently 42 years old. Yes I am an old bitter bitch. And I'm finally learning to love it.

3) I am a speshul angul snowflake. So send me your Sundara yarn. Now.

4) My favorite Jane Austen books are Mansfield Park and Persuasion. Depends on my mood.

5) I'm pretty sure I fell in love with the Twilight book series when I read Midnight Sun. I identify with Edward, not Bella. No, I'm not beautiful and I don't sparkle(!), it's more like "I am so tortured by my own imagined superiority." Yes I am that laughable. Please laugh at me. I try to, and I am happiest when I am successful. Seriously though, read the first page of Midnight Sun. It is the most funnest Meyer book ever. Okay, that and Eclipse.

6) I live with C-PTSD. I even traumatize myself. I'm that talented. Edward eats my dirt.

7) I have one half brother and one sister. I love my family but we are all kinda lone wolves. We love each other in our minds but we don't actually talk or see each other very often.

8) I am married. 10 years, October 2009. We've had a lot of rough patches, but this year has been our best year yet. I don't love the way it seems other people do, but neither does he. Together we make sense.

9) It is very dangerous to be yourself on the internet. I blog because I want to record the crazeh in my head. Letting people know the crazeh in my head is stupid. I know. But I'm a narcissistic exhibitionist trapped in the psyche of a hermit. Parodoxes hurt, so here is where I try to list the hurts and then hopefully, eventually, laugh at the wounds.

May 22, 2010
10) I love furry living things; I have two dogs and two cats.

11) I hate being sick. I only operate well at full health, otherwise I am a whiny useless black hole of pity.

12) I have some seriously grandiose thoughts about myself, and they coexist quite scarily with all the especially noted and intractable imperfections.

13) I went to college and received a BA. I graduated cum laude, although my first quarter grade point average was something like 2.47. Looking back years later I think some in my family expected me to flunk out, but that never would have occurred to me, because...

14) I am tenacious (when I'm not wallowing in self pity). Once something is decided, it happens. My will is strong. Conversely,...

15) With the exception of keeping a roof over my head and food in my belly, I have spent most of my life goalless. The former took all of energy until this past year. The act of knitting has taught me many life lessons I wish I had learned 30 years ago.

16) I am no longer goalless.

17) If I tried to restrict what I eat my brain will malfunction. It takes about 36 to 48 hours of bending to my will until something in my brain tells my body that I must eat everything in sight at every moment. All I can think about is food and eating - 24/7. The only cure for this malfunction I have found is to not attempt to control what I eat. Once the malfunction takes hold it can take weeks or months to cease.

18) I have pituitary tumor. Because I was infertile at such a young age the fertility specialists assume it is a prolactinoma. But they have no fucking clue and I'm sick of catering to their prognostications...I know that sounds looney. Call me looney.

19) Do I think 17 and 18 are related? Absolutely. But I've had my fill of doctors for the moment...

20) From 2002 to 2006 I underwent fertility treatments. I can't even remember the number of IUI's I have had. Health insurance pays for 6 IVFS. All six failed. We even went as far as getting an egg donor, our seventh IVF. Her eggs sucked too. I can't begin to describe how cursed I felt the day I finally conceded she was as infertile as me and that I had to stop doing what I was doing to my body.

21) I have accepted I wasn't meant to have human kids. I have my whole life to be a great aunt. I'll do my best with that.

22) I totally miss SPY magazine. I knew I was in the presence of greatness, and it was painful realizing how puny and paltry my own intellect was in comparison to the minds that put that rag together. It was like Jon Stewart but mean. Dorothy Parker mean - "you can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think" - mean. Brilliant. My favorite part was the letters to the editors, or actually the editors making fun of the letters.

June 9, 2010
23) I wish I could be mean on purpose. Over the past decade, I have come to understand that my family's tendency for idiosyncratically abrupt, barrier-free, interpersonal communication actually comes across as pointedly barbed. Our sarcasm, unwittingly, has a little too much bite, is more often than not, precociously rude.